The stupidest thing you've ever heard someone say(SomethingAwful Rip)

[SilentDeath]

this is a rip from the something awful forums

I've heard some dooseys in my time, but I think the one that has taken the proverbial cake is one that was said by a classmate of mine in high school. We were discussing the Vietnam war in History class, and our teacher must have said something that initiated the famous response (at least to me and my friends) from an amazingly ditsy girl that I still get a laugh at to this day:


"Wait a minute, Vietnam is a place?!!?" *confused look on her face*


The teacher burst out laughing as did the entire class, and he couldn't stop laughing for about maybe 5 whole minutes. It was beautiful.

P.S.: The same girl had another good one. I was this teachers assistant in the second semester of that year, and was grading papers. A test question arose that asked "Who was the leader of the United States during World War II?"

Her answer: Hitler.

gg

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IN my junior year of high school we were doing a "World Affairs" review of the continents. There was a map of the world on the overhead, and people would have to write where a continent was. Some girl was given North America, went up there, stared at the map for about 15 seconds and then exclaimed "I dont know where it is!!".

A football player got up, and wrote "RIGHT HERE, RETARD." over the USA

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I was once informed by a geography teacher that nuclear fusion power, if it is ever developed, would be just as polluting and dangerous as nuclear fission, because "it's still nuclear

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obligitory "if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college

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One of my sister's friends thought that the Ar- in Arkansas was silent, and that this state was actually pronounced like Kansas

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September 11, 2001: this kid goes on the record IMing everyone he knows with "lol no twin towers."
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I get a job working tech support or retail. you have to think like a ****ing moron to understand customers. one time i was helping a lady, and the conversation went like this:

"Okay ma'am, lets go ahead and open up the 'my computer' icon on the desktop now"

"well how the heck am i going to do open up your computer, i'm not at your office!!"
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Similar expeience in high school -- 10th grade HONORS English. Teacher says "Okay class, today we're going to start reading 'Julius Caesar' by Shakespeare."

Girl in the front row gets this confused look on her face and blurts out "It's a play?! I thought Julius Caesar was a real person!"

The concept of a play about a real person seemed quite beyond her.
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Talking to my girlfriend on the phone and messing with an old piano.

Me: "This piano really needs to be tuned."
Her: "Is it real or electric (keyboard)?"
Me "..."
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Soon after delivery of a new computer:

"I think you must have sent me the wrong keyboard, I can't find the 'any' key."
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Christmas Day is the 24th, isn't it?"

One of my work collegues. The entire floor erupted into spontaneous laughter for a good five minutes.
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Woman at the table behind us at a sushi restaurant:

"Would I have turned out gay if I hadn't married Chuck?"
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A girl in high school biology class actually thought you could "catch" retarded. In other words, you could be perfectly normal and then one day just wake up and have Down's Syndrome like it was a cold or something.

God, what a stupid bitch.
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Where can I buy the internet at, Ive been looking but cant seem to find it anywhere
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was playing pictionary with my dorm mates freshman year of college. One guy is drawing the United States with this island down by Mexico, and igloos.

The answer was "Alaska," and he was under the asumption that it was an island and was really located near Mexico, since that's how condesned maps of the U.S. show it (albeit in a little box).

[SilentDeath]

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"LA is in Los Angeles, right?"
"No, Los Angeles is in LA"

I still remember thinking "Wow, they're dumb
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In science class in 9th grade, we were watching a video on electricity and they showed an electric eel on the screen. Just randomly this one girl shouts "hey its a polar bear!"
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Didn't actually hear it myself, but heard OF it:

One girl in class:

"What are fractions?"

Consider this: it's a freshman (yes, in college) mechanical engineering class.
On top of that, this is Carnegie Mellon, one of the best engineering programs in the nation
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pissed off a guy I know once (I was being a smartass) and he said to me... "**** you, bitch! Next time I see you I'ma kill you till you're dead!"

And the second entry... kinda of a longer story to it but still good - we were in class learning about parts of the body and the teacher pointed to the small intestine... she asked us what it was, and one of the girls (of whom we referred to as Fuzz, because she was a ****ing horrid beast with frizzy hair) yelled out "THE SMALL TESTICLES!"

Everybody laughed, including the teacher. Fuzz didn't get it.
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I don't remember the rest of the sentence, but she said "Undecentralised".

She asked if you could see the dark side of the moon if you had a flashlight.

She asked why they didn't just use submarines in space
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was telling this girl I know a story about how in my friend's history class a girl asked the teacher who won world war II. When I finished the story this conversation followed:
Me: I can't believe she was that stupid
Her: ..What? why?
Me: not knowing who won world war II
Her: ...Well I don't
Me: What, don't know who won world war II
Her: Yeah, I mean why would I?
Me: Well don't you think it would be common sense?
Her: How is that common sense, I wasn't born knowing it!
Me: Well who do you think won, Allies vs. Axis
Her: Uh, axis?
Me: ..no
Her: who then?
Me: Did you ask me that in german?
Her: No, why would I? what do you mean?

and so on until I tried to kill myself
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A professor was using a computer one time, and she was rearranging her desktop. Midway through she asked "I wonder what happens when I drop something on the screen before it gets to where it's going?" referring to the desktop icons. That is bad enough, but someone in the class piped up "Maybe it falls onto the harddrive?" in all seriousness. No one in the class saw the humor in that statement either, they all thought it was a valid answer. This too was sophomore year in college

One girl in a Biology/Anthropology class, upon learning about cellular reproduction, asked if reproducing your cells was "hard to do." The teacher wanted to know what she meant by this, so she asked her to explain, and the girl was worried that when the time came for her to reproduce cells, it would be too complex and require too much energy and she would somehow fail. Oh yeah, this was sophomore year in college, and others shared her concern.
+-------
My mom tried to feed vegetarian friends of mine chicken. We explained that chicken isn't a vegetarian food and she replied, "Chickens don't eat meat
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asked some kid where the Pacific Ocean was after I read a poll claiming some high percent of American college students didn't know where it was.

His response: France?....man?
Me:...
Him: Wait dude, is this a trick?

He lived in California for a good part of his life. Smoked crack a good bit of his life as well
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When I was in high school, there were these girls that became notorious throughout the entire school for being dumb. One time, in European history class, the teacher started talking about Trotsky's assassination. Upon learning that he was stabbed with an ice pick, one of the girls said, incredulously, "But didn't it melt?!" I can't remember all the stories, unfortunately, there were just too many.
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When I was in high school, there were these girls that became notorious throughout the entire school for being dumb. One time, in European history class, the teacher started talking about Trotsky's assassination. Upon learning that he was stabbed with an ice pick, one of the girls said, incredulously, "But didn't it melt?!" I can't remember all the stories, unfortunately, there were just too many.
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Retarded girl in my english class, just a few months ago.

Teacher: Now let your papers fly into my hands!
Her: Inanimate objects can't fly!
Me: Ever heard of an airplane?
Her: ...well, it has an engine, so it's not inanimate.
Me: ...*cuts wrists*
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While checking out at Big 5 a few weeks ago the cashier asks the person in front of me for their zip code. In a heavy German accent he replies I’m from Germany; and the cashier replies which state is that in?
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Then the kid who wasn't bragging bet the bragging kid that he "couldn't name all 50 languages." All 50. I had to stop paying attention at that point, but later I caught some of the languages the first kid claimed he knew.

Kid 1: English, Spanish, German, Egyptian, Australian
Me: What the ****? Australian? You know they speak English right?
Kid 1: No, well, wait...they have other words though...and I know them all.

I couldn't hold myself back from pointing out the kid's idiocy...I just couldn't.
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During my senior year I was in a religion class with two important people: my best friend Andrew and the star football player of our school Sean. Long story short I'm a bitter mother****er and I liked making fun of this ass pirate, and Andrew shared my passion.

We were discussing poverty in Zimabwe one day and a statistic was brought up about how a huge percentage of the population was in poverty. Sean suddenly remarked about how Bill Gates could just give every person in the country some money. We told him there wasn't enough money for that. He countered with "oh yeah, well if he can give everyone in the US a million dollars and still have money left over he can probably handle a bunch of poor people."

Stop.

Me: What? a million? do you know how much that is dude? there's like 270 million americans that would take 270 trillion dollars.
Sean: Dude... he's got 55 BILLION dollars.
Me: Right, a billion is a thousand million, a trillion is a million million, he doesn't have enough by a factor of a ****load mang.
Sean (looking around for support from anyone): I...uh...I PLAY FOOTBALL!!!

And from that day forth, football was officially a sport for retards, proclaimed by their leader himself.
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[SilentDeath]

This must have been two years ago. The girl in question was 16, probably almost 17.

Me- "And Michael Jackson used to be black. It really doesn't matter." *note* - I don't remember what caused me to say that.

Her- "Michael Jackson was never black."

Me- "Yes he was."

Her- "The singer Michael Jackson was never black. God you're stupid."

Me- "Ask the next customer and I promise you they will say he was or technically is black."

Next customer comes up a minute or so later...

Her- takes order and whatever.. "Can I ask you a silly question?"

Customer- "Sure darling."

Her- "Is or was Michael Jackson ever black?"

Customer- "What? No, that's just silly, of course he wasn't ever black. People can't change skin color, darling."
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My highschool was gifted with a lot of very special morons. There was this one girl who continuously kept blurting out one stupid thing after the other, really not thinking at all and simply not understanding anything. Examples:

"You can't split atoms. It's impossible."

On a school trip to Rome, holding a presentation on St. Peter's Square:
"On this square there are two pairs of colums per row, but if you look at them there are four"

Same trip, in the plane whilst circling the air above the airport:
"Are we standing still now?"

And regarding sound:
"What, so it's like atoms that fly into your ears?"
-*------
I'm just going to unleash with the best one I have, that, I am pretty sure, is totally indestructable. To set the mood, we're in first period U.S. History, Junior year, balding male teacher, single-seating desk/chairs lined up in vertical rows in relation to the front of the class room. The stupid girls sit in the back right corner and I am up several seats from them. Everyone is extremely tired, most of us are nodding off during the current lecture; the first military actions of the American Revolution.

It's winding down, he's assigning a few questions from the book, everyone is grumbling. Then, suddenly, the muffled discontent is pierced by a high whine from the back of the room; it is the short, artificially tanned, heavily made up, easy girl with her hair dyed black, "Wait! So, the war was against the English people, right?" Shock passes in a wave over the class, we're tired so giggles don't quite erupt. "Yes," says the greying old man. Then, the moment of truth, "So, like, how did they get here? Did they come in airplanes or what?"

Pause, roars of laughter.
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Customer: How do I get an unofficial transcript.
Me: You need to logon to ramweb and click on the 'unofficial transcript' link and print it off from there.
Customer: How do I do that.
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: You logon to ramweb and click on the 'unofficial transcript' link, and print it off from there.
Customer: Oh, okay...thanks.

There are several procedures that get the same sort of response. I used to try to rephrase my explanation, but then I found that if you just repeat the exact same thing you said before 9 times out of 10 it works just fine.

Oh wait, I just remembered the best/worst ever. We were watching the ending credits to "Enter the Matrix" and my roommate was talking about how he was going to see if they had hid any cheat codes in them. This drunken stripper chick with her boob hanging out the side of her wifebeater says "You know what, I bet they wrote the codes in l33t (and actually pronounced it leet). That's the hacker language. I'll watch for them. I know how to speak l33t."
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In a biology class, after some derailment of the lecture)
"But sir, what do you mean he had to use a compass when he got to the North Pole? Couldn't he see the big striped stick?"
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For some reason the topic of blind people having an enhanced sense of hearing, etc, came up...
Girl: SO DO DEAF PEOPLE HAVE X-RAY VISION? CAN THEY SEE THROUGH MY SHIRT?

Same girl, at a class poll
Girl: If I don't care either way, should I just not put up my hand?

[SilentDeath]

i'll leave it at that, you guys turn to post something dumb that u've heard!!!

[Kantes]

Well i've heard a lotta dumb stuff but i can't remember most of it

One thing was we were in irish class and Heathrow airport came up for some reason

This blond moron (not natural blond though) comes out with "if there's so many airplanes going into heathrow, why don't they all crash?"

Take a guess dip****.. maybe they take it in turns to land?

Of course a friend of mine came out with

"Because they're not blond... no offence to natural blonds"
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Another one was a few people were in my house and i was playing music and someone said "put on nirvana" and the same girl who said the heathrow thing said
"Nirvana? what are they some new pop band or something?"

Ill have more soon

[Zzero]

Here's a couple of things my friends have said:

"Short sleeve pants"
"Italian dressing" (inside joke)

[SHNAG]

When i went to flordia years ago (i was still in elementary , i think in grade four). One of my parents young adult friends said something like this " Canada has kings and Queens, while america has Prisdents."

There is a funny show i saw, on i think was CBC, called Talking to Americians. Heres some that i remeber.

Fake Reporter: Did you hear about Canada's Tim Hortens getting his first double double?

American: Wow thats great!

(For those of you who don't know anything about your neighbor to the north, Tim Hortens is a very poplular Coffee shop, and a double double neans double creame, double sugar)

Fake Reporter: Did you know 2 out of 5 Canadian kids can't name all of their States?

Complete Moron: Man thats sad, people should know more about the world they live in.

Fake Reporter: **same question as above**

Very very dumb mom: THats not right!

Daughter thats has twice her IQ: MOM! Canada has Provinces!!!
Mom: (confused/embarssed) oh


There was alot more but i seen it awhile ago.

[SilentDeath]

Kantes, kill her

Shnag LOL

[Kenshin]

yeah heard all those shnag well here is some I heard

"I stepped in the wet water" My Sister
"Oppose to dry water?" My Friend Regan

"I can't stop or the engine will freeze!" Jeff

"I HAVE TO SHAVE MY OTHER LEG!" My Sister

"Ninja isn't a race" Dude on the AOF Day of Defeat server
"NO **** JACKASS!" ME
"WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!" [AOF]The_Don

[LavisBlade]

If it wasn't for that horse I would'nt have spent that year in college.
-Lewis Black

[WolfmanNCSU]

I sent an email out about the email being being down.
-customer

[TuckerXE]

Once at the office, we got a fax that wasn't for us. Most faxes have a cover page saying "if you get this in error, please call xxx-xxxx and tell us", and this one was no exception. I called the number, and a lady answered - the following conversation ensued:

Lady: Hello?

Me: Hi - I work at the University of Utah registrar's office [don't anymore, BTW], and you accidentally sent us a fax that I believe was for someone else.

Lady: What? What are you doing with my fax?!!!

Me: You accidentally sent it to us...

Lady: I was sending that fax to someone else - why do you have it?!!!

[this went on for a while, then I said...]

Me: OK, think of it this way - if I called you and tried to order a pizza, I'd have a wrong number, right?

Lady: ...yes...

Me: Well, it's like that. When you sent your fax, you dialed a wrong number, and it came to us instead of whoever you wanted to send it to.

Lady: Oh... can you send it back?

Me: [stifling what I'd like to say] Sure.

Of course, there's no reason to send back a fax - you keep the original when you send a fax.

[Kenshin]

wow now thats pretty stupid Tucker thats like once somone had to teach this person how to turn on the computer they said it was broken cause they kept stepping on the "foot petal" but it wouldn't turn on.

[TuckerXE]

LOL - you just reminded me of my favorite tech support story ever. Not true, but hilarious anyway:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperf.htm

And in case you're too lazy to click the link, here's the story:

"Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

....."Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

....."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

....."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really! Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[WolfmanNCSU]

Thats a classic, like the drink holder CD tray.

[SHNAG]

Your link doesn't work right

[SilentDeath]

Originally posted by TuckerXE
LOL - you just reminded me of my favorite tech support story ever. Not true, but hilarious anyway:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperf.htm

And in case you're too lazy to click the link, here's the story:

"Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

....."Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

....."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

....."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really! Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

hahah
Thats a classic, like the drink holder CD tray
thats my fav haha
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[TuckerXE]

My link didn't work? I checked both the original and the one in the quoted version and they both appeared to work.

[NiXenith]

I have two:

At Halo LAN party:
"He's invisible!"
"I see that..."

My sister cooking:
"How many 1/3s are in a cup?"
(Note: 1/3s = one-thirds, and my sister is 16. O_o)

[Kenshin]

haha thats pretty good.

I think i've said that on halo after somone said he somone else was invisble

[8 Ball]

OMG. You hear so much dumb**** up here you cant keep up with it all lol. I will tell you guys when I remember something. I can tell you something dumb I did today tho. At lunch time I spilled choclate milk all over my balls lmao. It was and accident. The rest of the day I walked around just soaked lol.

[SilentDeath]

yesteday when i bought back the software teh school let me install on my computer everyone was asking what was in the box and im like "a bomb"

so then Imelda comes up and asks me
Her:Andre whats in the box?
Me:A bomb
Her:oh can i open it?!
Me:if you wanna die

[SHNAG]

Your link works now. My comp had some glitch when it just showed the titlebar of the window. I think its fixed now.

[TuckerXE]

Originally posted by SilentDeath
yesteday when i bought back the software teh school let me install on my computer everyone was asking what was in the box and im like "a bomb"

so then Imelda comes up and asks me
Her:Andre whats in the box?
Me:A bomb
Her: oh can i open it?!
Me:if you wanna die

LOL - that's pathetic.

[SilentDeath]

i even told her i was gonna put it on here too

[TuckerXE]

Check out this site:

http://www.patheticgeekstories.com

The stories are from real people - they send them to the cartoonist, who makes comic stripts out of them.

[TeMpEsT]

"I'M RUNNING OUT OF RAM! All these JPEGs eat them up!"

[SilentDeath]

i have to include this..its just plain funny


bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

Yeah it was pretty sweet. "



"This one was good.

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now. "



"This kinda sucked.

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something "



"Ew this chick was nasty. Yeeeeaah.

bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
Katie_007: Sure, you into vegetables?
bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
Katie_007: Yeah, something like that.
bloodninja: Nothing turns me on more, check this out:
bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
Katie_007: is that it?
bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Katie_007: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... sexily.
bloodninja: I ride your buttocks like they were amber waves of grains.
Katie_007: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
bloodninja: Damn baby you're right, this **** is HOTT.
Katie_007: ...
bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Katie_007: What the f*ck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Katie_007: whatever. "



"Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements
are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also
wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into
your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk
slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck.
Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.
Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my
way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing
at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: "

[Draco]

lol, this is hilarious stuff. Here's one

Me and a friend are playing an RPG and I'm trying to figure out how to get past some door. My friend is breathing as loud as a dwarf through his mouth irritatingly so I reply: "STOP BREATHING! It's annyoing!"... unfortunantly he didn't...

One day in science we are all reading from our books when (we'll call her Kayla) Kayla is chosen to read. She begins: " The cells in our bodies are called orgasms..." she continues reading when a bit further down the page she reads " And when the orgasms in our bodies..." No one laughed because this was back in like 6th grade... lol, she must've been embarrassed.. That'd suck... lol

My friend who has the OCD begins to rant on about how the squirrels are taking over the government and then I tell him about TFLO and he begins to think of a character: "Hmmm... My character will be an assasin probably, with dark magic. I will be the most feared person in True Fantasy! I will be the meaning of pure hatrid, the essance of evil, the malice, deceit, and malcontempt of all dark things in this realm... And I shall be know.... As Mr. Cuddlemuffins!

lol, thats all for now

[TuckerXE]

OK, this isn't really stupid, but I always think it's funny when people say things like "If I don't see you, have a good weekend." Well, I sure hope you don't see me, then, because I sure don't want to have a lousy weekend!

[SilentDeath]

this one i said yesterday cause my friend said something stupid..i forgot what i was

ME: Man, what kinda smoke you crackin?

Edit: Post 911 NEVA FORGET

[TeMpEsT]

I stutter when I talk to girls and say stupid sh!7, does that count?

[SilentDeath]

this is more funny then stupid but i was in world geo class and we were talking about the holocaust(the teacher was anyway) and she was like "6 million Jews were killed", I didnt think anyone would hear me so i said " THE NIGGERS ARE NEXT" good thing only 2 people heard me though...

[8 Ball]

lol. I do the same thing as tempest. Except I dont stutter....damn temp thats pathetic lol jk.

[SilentDeath]

Originally posted by TeMpEsT
I stutter when I talk to girls and say stupid sh!7, does that count?
yes and...i dont even think i do that....my mind goes numb and i cant seem to find anything to talk about...but thats only if i like them

[Kantes]

It's ok we're generally the same with guys, cept me cause im so a-a-awesome

[SilentDeath]

my sister last weekend

there was a song on Zeromancer - Wannabe and they do this thing and go dum dum dummy dum dum dum. So i was humming that and my sister was in the room as well as a friend.

My sister: Why are you always calling me dumb!?
Me: what are you talking about
me and jared look at each other and laugh
Me: Its the song that on LISTEN
her:Oh
and we keep laughing at her

[Crazygamer]

Originally posted by SilentDeath
yes and...i dont even think i do that....my mind goes numb and i cant seem to find anything to talk about...but thats only if i like them
Nerds? :rolleyes:

[8 Ball]

Originally posted by Kantes
It's ok we're generally the same with guys, cept me cause im so a-a-awesome Maybe if I just keep telling myself that next time I talk to a female I wont look like a complete retard! :)

[SilentDeath]

Originally posted by Crazygamer
Nerds? :rolleyes:
nah mind goes blank dude, its really uncool too